Hello, sir I’m Average and this is my self esteem I’m shitting bricks, sir You should, you should Let’s start with a basic technical question on the topic which you didn’t study last night thinking that you’ll wake up and understand it from the topper Sir… A bit of stammer Nervous mumbling Some technical terms related to what you just asked and then when you think that I know the answer I’ll go off-topic and waste some time You know, some words like if… but… Generally speaking Actually sir For example Technically, it is Pretending to think so that you feel I am giving a long answer Yes! Then I’ll give you some from right out of my ass a lovely, fantastic wrong answer You’ve already been rejected Now time for me to have some fun So now make a graph that you have no idea about Sir, can I make the one I know? Nope Your mom is a witch Done with wasting time? Or is there more bullshit left? Wow! You learnt this graph in 12th grade as well, no? Sir, sir Sir, please ask me what you asked the last candidate? No no no You’re so nervous! And I should give you some confidence now? No way! Na! Sir, once you’re dead I jerk off to celebrate, sir Okay I’ll have some mercy What is your favorite subject? Sir, thermodynamics, sir So, here is Thermodynamics’ toughest question Why are you humiliating me, sir? An easier question? I don’t want this job, sir Finish the interview please Okay The easiest question on Thermodynamics No idea, sir Next! Thank you, sir Thank you very much Nervous greeting in English, sir Already judging you Where’s self esteem? Sir, he passed away right after the technical interview itself So the whole point of this interview is to check whether the students who have cleared the technical round whether they can speak even two sentences in English or not Two sentences, I can, sir That much, I can do So… Tell me something about yourself Sir, there’s nothing interesting about me So I’ll list down my personal details for you In English, please Yeah Here are my personal details My name, my full name, my father’s name, father’s full name, Aadhar card number, Bank IFSC code, CVV, Sir, CVV I can’t disclose for security purposes and coming to my family, sir I come from my family and I see them on Holi as Holi is the festival of colours So what are your hobbies? I’ve scraped my ass working hard all my life to get here So hobbies are nonexistent, sir Could you just say that in English I like reading, listening to music, breathing, charging my phone, more breathing, I do excretion, my favorite hobby, sir, is blinking What are your strengths and weaknesses? Sir, this is the most dumb question, sir First of all, there are no strengths In English, please! I’m telling you Why will I tell you my weaknesses? I’ll list down my strengths as my weaknesses You know, like English! I’m a perfectionist I’m a workaholic I’m innocen- English! Enough! Fucking idiot! What’s with all the English English English? I was 4 years old When my dad was in Jabalpur working for a confectioner Never went to school himself So he worked hard and Got me into one Now, it was called an English medium school but all our teachers spoke in Hindi themselves The boys in our school never went “Yo wassup dawg!” to each other “What’s getting you hard these days?” This was our salutation Somehow, after a lot of mugging up I reached class 10 and realized that success has only one route and that is engineering Everyone said so Mom, dad, our teachers, Even the watchmen on streets asked us “How’s your preparation going?” Fuck off! How is it your business? That’s why, the kids in school all of us came Like a heard of sheep to *bleats* IIT *bleats* NIT How will the kid that has seen his dad labor all day not end up thinking that money is everything I did not choose this Engineering life, sir and neither did this Engineering life choose me It was shoved down my throat by my teachers while my hands were tied to my back by my friends and my parents watched in silence Do you want more English? Then listen, you stupid fuck! After 10th, I spent 2 years trying to get in here in coaching classes, without any fun, without even learning and when I finally reached here I learned that when kids from big cities from convent schools speak in English even dead flowers bloom out! The oxygen level rises up in the atmosphere because of their speech and all the girls look at them as their match on jeevansathi.com What do you think? I never thought that I need to work on my English? Work on my personality? I really wanted to! This stupid Indus valley civilization dated education system has been put in place with every year having 10 subjects With every subject having theory, practical, viva, lab work, external, internal, majors, minors, assignments, projects, thesis Fucking us right in the asshole! We forget to bathe for months and then you create a perception that we want to live like this Every year the cultural festival happens once Once! Even then we must beg the professors No English, no female interaction Which fucker wants to live like this? But where do we have the time to learn? We’re in a race to learn coding We are learning 3 languages None are English though But when it comes to placements, Everyone wants someone with aptitude, a personality, an English speaker! It is not that we cannot speak in English, sir We are just very conscious of our diction and our pronunciation and we are not confident to speak in front of anyone else If the curriculum was a little bit diverse If the engineering colleges in our country focused on our all round development instead of functioning like a god-damn factory that is just mass producing robots by killing their dreams and handing out degrees I would not be sitting here in this pointless HR interview The likes of which exist only in our country Here, sir! Here are your four lines in English Now tell me Am I good enough for your multi-national company? Do I have the potential to be a slave of your esteemed organization? Basically, I want a more energy efficient lighting and air conditioning system for this entire floor But I doubt you got that Sir, I’ll ruin your sleep by installing faulty ACs all over If there’s any issue just call me I’ll make sure to reject Happy? Sir, I’ve had enough of your shit Allow me to have two minutes and I’ll be back in 2 hours Sure sure sure Pick it up! Feel free to answer Loosen the suspenders Hey doofus! Asshole! Wait, Overachiever’s here too! Wassup dawgs! How are you guys? Guys guys, listen I have some news to share with you guys Out of parental pressure I have agreed to get married Fake excitement, mate! Fake excitement! I don’t give a shit but where did you meet her? You remember the park? Yes! Of course So maa was sitting there one day She said to me that there’s a girl and if I don’t marry her Maa will kill herself Suicide! Guys, it was just a coincidence And say How’s work going? Same, man! Stupid client Stupid boss Stupid junior How’s yours? Just the same Stupid client Stupid boss Stupid junior What about you, Overachiever? Exactly so! Stupid client Stupid boss Stupid junior Aye, Overachiever You don’t get to complain! You’re second on Forbes list of 30 overachievers over 30 Alright? No, man! What an asshole! I’ll come out of the phone and hit you!