The unsexy truth, the hookup culture | Lisa Bunnage | TEDxSFU


Translator: Peter van de Ven
Reviewer: Denise RQ As a parenting coach, I get to talk
to a lot of troubled teenagers. About six years ago,
I had a really interesting conversation with a 16-year-old girl,
who was on the phone – this is me with the phone by the way – and it was a coaching session;
it was on a Monday. I said, “Hi sweetie, how are you doing?” And she says, “I’m doing OK.” I said, “That’s good,
how was your weekend?” She said, “It was OK.
I partied and the usual. I drank a bit, and I met a new guy.” “Oh! What’s he like?” “He’s OK. I didn’t really like him
that much, so I wouldn’t let him kiss me.” “Good for you. I’m really proud of you!” “So, I just gave him a blow job instead.” (Laughter) True story, true story. I always say that I could never be shocked
because I’ve heard everything, but that was the first time
I’ve ever heard anything quite like that. I was really glad it wasn’t Skype
and that she didn’t see my reaction … (Laughter) It’s really good when you work from home:
you don’t care what you look like, so … I don’t like it when a client says,
“Can we do a video Skype?” Oh, geez, anyway … (Laughter) This young girl was right at the start
of the hookup culture. It progressed, it got worse and worse,
and shortly after I talked to her — I thought, maybe she was just a one-off — but shortly after talking to her,
I talked to a 14-year-old boy. He said he was at a party,
and they were drinking, and there were all these kids there, and he had shared
his drink with this girl. He said, “And afterwards,
she wouldn’t give me a blow job!” So, I had experience with this now, so I said, “Oh, what a bitch!” (Laughter) I admit, OK, that’s not what I said … (Laughter) Then I thought, how did we get here?
Like, what is going on? Am I that old that everyone else
knows what’s going on, and it’s just me? But no, of course not. So I thought, let’s go back in time
to when I was a little girl. This is not me. (Laughter) And I figure she probably wasn’t getting
much action even back then. That was the style. Back in the 60s,
it was all about parenting, and this is where the changes
really started to happen. In the 60s, moms generally didn’t work. That was the norm: all moms were home,
and every house had a mom in it; she had an apron, she was baking,
she was gardening, all that stereotype. She always had curlers in her hair, too. Does anyone else remember that? They never seemed to go anywhere,
but had curlers in, all day long. They’d be gardening with their curlers, but the thing is us kids were watched. Every parent knew
every kid in the neighborhood, and they thought nothing
on tattling on us. They’d phone up, “Dorothy, do you know
what your little girl’s doing?”, and we’d get a whack
on the butt with a rolling pin. We were looked after, we were watched,
and the schools were disciplining us, too. We get a ruler on the hand,
or a belt on the butt. I’m not saying it’s good,
but it was something. So, kids respected adults
as a result of this. Let’s go to the 70s now. It’s interesting, the reason
I chose these pictures is we all thought
we looked like the one on the left, in reality, we looked like
the one on the right. (Laughter) We tried, we really tried.
This was my teenage decade. In the 70s, there was a big shift. A lot of moms started going back to work. With that, when she did get home
after work, she was more tired, right? She’d been at work all day;
she didn’t have the energy for the kids. The term latchkey kids started coming in. So, kids were coming home with the key. They were letting themselves in,
eating Twinkies, sitting on the couch, watching “I Dream of Jeannie” or whatever;
The Brady Bunch probably. So, kids were on their own more. As a result of this,
they started losing respect for adults because they were alone more. They started looking to their peers
a little bit more for guidance, which we all know how that goes. Also, schools were losing
a lot of their power; they could no longer discipline children. But it just got worse. (Laughter) Well, not necessarily that,
but in the 80s, pretty much the norm was: all moms went back to work. Because of this, kids were getting more wild
and less respectful of adults. The school’s hands
were tied at this point. There was all this new wave
of parenting books coming out, about being friends with your kids and “Oh, don’t say no to your children,
that hurts their self-esteem.” Could you imagine,
like my parents saying that, “Oh, I don’t want to say no,
do whatever you want,” it just started to really shift. “You’re a good girl, even though you
just kicked the cat across the room.” (Laughter) It is ridiculous,
but this became the norm. So, be friends with your kids. The schools, of course,
are losing more and more power. Not only that, they are being asked
to do more parenting. So, they had to start teaching kids about nutrition, about manners,
even hygiene and sex. I thought that was appropriate,
the hair gel she used, but … (Laughter) I loved that movie. The 90s are more of the 80s, but the big thing that really started
to come in was computers. But back then,
they were big clunky things. Usually, they were in a communal area
where everyone could use them, and a lot of the gaming consoles came in. So, what was happening here? Parenting is going really downhill; they’re not providing
their children with leadership. Then the computers
are starting to take over. If you don’t provide
your children with leadership, of course will turn somewhere else. They were going
towards all these gaming things, the games that were
on there were violent, so it just started from there. You know, you look
at a 12-year-old girl these days, and that’s pretty much
what she looks like. It’s like you can’t even … I feel sorry for men
who are looking at women. I saw a guy the other day,
checking out this girl, and I said to him, “You know,
she’s about 13 years old,” and he went, “No way! She’s like 25.” I said, “No, she’s like 13,
I just saw her in school the other day.” (Laughter) So, he’s like running,
you know, after that. (Laughter) But the big difference with this:
now we’ve got the Internet. I remember when my kids were younger, I used to go to these school meetings
at night, where they’d say, “Here’s how you block your kids from seeing all this horrible stuff
on the Internet.” I was at the back, laughing. I thought, were we ever going to be able to outsmart young people
when it came to technology? Like, what are we thinking? I was the only one
that wasn’t going, “Oh, yes.” I was at the back,
like, “This is useless.” They’re always going to be smarter than us
because to them, it isn’t technology. It’s just like buttering toast.
It’s everyday to them. But the big change
was about six years ago, when I talked to this girl, it coincided. It came with the smartphones. All of a sudden,
they had mobile technology. They were on the Internet for everything. That’s where they went; because they weren’t going
to their parents. So, where are they going to go? Not to the schools, they didn’t trust adults,
they didn’t respect us. Oh, sorry about that silly slide,
I don’t know what I was thinking. It was late when I did that.
What am I, like grade four? Anyway, what do
all these decades have in common – every single one of them,
and probably before that, too? It’s none of the parents were really
talking to their kids about sex. None of them were. You’d get the odd family
who would do that, but overall, it just wasn’t
discussed in families. I used to say to families,
when my kids were growing up, how do you talk to your kids about sex? “Oh, I don’t do that. It’s just awkward.
They go to school and learn that. Oh, it’s just so awkward.” So, they don’t seem to do that. Because I am a parenting coach,
I talk to a lot of families: none of them were talking
to their kids about sex. They say, “Oh no, they had a guy talking
about sex at their school the other day.” If they miss that day,
they’re going to miss that talk, and they’ve only got so much information
they can pack into two hours. They do a very good job,
I’m not putting them down, but they always have that–
we all know what that is. They have a banana that they’re showing, and they put a condom on the banana. Then everyone laughs, and it gets awkward,
and there’s a lot of stuff that’s missed. Where are they going
for information on sex? They’re not talking to their parents, the sex speakers that come
into schools are giving the minimal; of course, they’re going to pornography. Every single parent that I’ve talked to
of a teenager, all say, “Are they looking at porn?” Every single parent says,
“I don’t think so. No, I don’t think so.” (Laughter) Unfortunately, when I’m talking
to their kids, it’s all confidential. So, I can’t tell them, but … Here again, I’m glad it’s not on video
because I’m going (laughs muffled) They told me that’s all they do:
they’re up all night watching porn. This is what they’re doing. The interesting thing
that’s happening though is that younger and younger
children are doing this because their older siblings
are doing this, watching porn. It’s mobile. An older sibling will put down
a phone and not have it locked, and there will be
some porn thing on there, an eight-year-old will come along
and go, “Whew! What’s this?” And then they don’t have anyone to talk to
because they know that’s “bad”. They can’t talk to Mom and Dad
because no one does that, right? So, they really are learning
from pornography. How do I know they’re watching porn? They tell me all the time. I’ll even ask eight-year-olds. I say, “What do you look at
on the Internet?” Sometimes they’ll tell me they’ve been
watching, they call it “sexy stuff”. (Laughter) I don’t think it’s sexy. OK, so they tell me they’re watching porn. What’s interesting about this
is when younger children see it, they haven’t got a clue
what they’re looking at. They think – and this is true –
they think that’s what Mommy and Daddy do. They think that that’s exactly
what Mommy and Daddy are doing; so there could be threesomes or orgies. They’ve got this in their head
that that is what’s happening. (Laughter) You know where I’m going with this, right? I would say, the age group that is bald
are probably anywhere from — it changes all the time. I’m trying to keep up with all this stuff, but they really give me
a run for my money, here – they are about 13 to17, 18, 19. They’re pretty much all bold. Not necessarily sexually active.
I’ll tell you a funny story. It’s not a funny story,
it’s actually quite sad, but there’s a little bit of humor in it. (Laughter) These parents hired me, and they said,
“Our poor boy is like suicidal.” You know, I specialize in crisis. So, I said, “OK, I need to talk to him. Give me his Facebook page;
I’ll organize a session with him.” I’m talking to him, and I said,
“What happened, sweetie, what’s going on?” He says, “I’m getting bullied at school,” and I said, “Oh, that’s terrible! Tell me what’s going on;
take me through a day.” He said that it all started when he started in this new private
boys’ school, very nice area, and they were in the locker room
or the change room, and they were getting changed,
and everyone was bald except him. All the boys were bald. They pointed at him and laughed, and the poor kid was labeled
as “Hairy-something.” – I can’t remember
what the second thing was – but this poor kid was ostracized
and bullied because he wasn’t shaving. Did we know this? I had no idea the stuff was going on. That is a direct result of pornography. Where else do they get that idea from? Not the sex talker at school.
Not Mom and Dad. That’s pornography. OK, this is where it gets
a little bit awkward for me because I’m a little bit
uncomfortable sharing this stuff. This is the least of the>… an example of the least disgusting
party game that is very common, and it’s called “rainbow parties”,
I’m sure you maybe heard of this. I looked it up on Wikipedia the other day,
and it said it’s an urban legend. It’s not. Kids are doing this. The girls will go to a party – there’s, of course,
drugs and alcohol involved – they’ll either do their lips that way or they will layer them
in different colors. Then they drag their mouth
down the guy’s penis, leaving a rainbow behind. If they don’t do that, then they have to drink
two or three shots: it’s like a drinking game. Lots of fun, eh? Crazy, crazy. And that’s one of the not so bad ones. I couldn’t even repeat
some of the other ones. Too embarrassing. How do we redefine the norm and change the way
future generations view sex? I want to make it clear
that not all kids are doing this, but it is the norm, and I think
it’s only going to get worse. As a matter of fact, I know it is,
because over the last six years, it’s gotten worse
and worse with my clients. All we have to do is talk.
We start talking about sex with our kids. A lot of you here are younger,
but you are the parents of tomorrow. You have to change what’s going on.
You have to talk to your kids about sex. It’s always awkward.
I’ll tell you a funny story. Well, one story; then another one;
one leads to the other. I have two kids. My oldest was three, my son, and he’s just seen a girl naked
for the very first time that day. I could see it in his face,
he was really checking her out. Later on, and I knew I had a journal
I used to write funny things in, so I knew it was going
to come out that night. So, he says to me, “Mommy,
boys and girls are different, right?” And I’m trying not to go, “Yeah!”,
but I just said, “Yeah.” He said, “Because boys have a bum
in the back and a penis in the front.” I said, “Right,” and he said, “And girls have a bum in the back
and a tiny little bum in the front.” (Laughter) It’s true. Really! Anyway, I thought I’d better
have a talk with this boy. So, I said, “Well, OK, you know,
these are your private parts, they’re yours; you’re not allowed
to let anyone else touch them.” You know, all the safety stuff. And then I said,
“But you can touch your private parts. That’s perfectly normal,
everybody does it, but it’s private.” He said, without skipping a beat, “Do you do it too, Mommy?” (Laughter) I said, “Want to bake some cookies?” (Laughter) My daughter is actually here today,
but five years later she came to me, three years old, same conversation. I said, “Tada, tada, tada,
it’s private, everyone does it …” She says, “Do you do it too, Mommy?” Now, I had an eight-year-old by this time,
I had progressed, I had grown. So my response to her was, “Want to bake some cookies?” (Laughter) I couldn’t deal with it. But my point with that is it’s always
going to be awkward and embarrassing. I’m not one of those people,
even when I’m talking to teenagers, I don’t think it should be blasé. I still think sex is– there’s an element: if it’s awkward
to talk about it, it just is. It’s just natural to feel that way. So, when you are talking to kids
though it’s a little bit– There’s a couple of rules
that I tell my clients. I say, “When you’re talking to kids,
it’s age appropriate.” A three-year-old doesn’t need to know
the same things as a 13-year-old. Just say to them,
“We’ll discuss it when you’re older.” That’s it, and then go
bake some cookies, whatever. But also: you don’t discuss your sex life. Your three-year-old does not need to know what Mom and Dad are doing
rolling around in the hay. It’s just not necessary. They will ask questions though;
it’s not appropriate. So, in order to change the norm, I think
we have to learn how to talk about it. And if you have to bake cookies,
racks and racks of cookies, then do so, but don’t let that stop you from discussing
these things with your children. Thank you very much. (Applause)

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64 Responses

  1. Lebeman says:

    Is this going to be another "women most affected" type talk?

  2. mercytoday says:

    Comment section is triggered!!!!

  3. FlyingRaijin says:

    When does she talk about hook up culture?

  4. vze21gwa says:

    This woman is a secret comedian.

  5. Chris Creaser says:

    I wish the 'hookup culture' existed in Hull,UK & I knew women like that….. 🙂

  6. dipro001 says:

    I am 23 and I have NEVER heard a single person even mention rainbow parties in all 4 years of college. She is also using boogie man fears on a speech that does not have a clear thesis. Poor quality talk.

  7. Eddy Torres says:

    There are thousands of rapes that go unreported because of "white guilt"

  8. Project UniCore says:

    left at
    "this is me with the phone btw"

  9. Alejandro Martinez-Chacín says:

    I must say, that at least as straight guys go, this hookup culture goal is unachievable for most… so I wonder.
    80% of the guys are considered unattractive by 80% of the women population. Not only that, the correlation between women of who’s unattractive is high: if one woman considers a person unattractive, there are very very high chances that so will do the other women.

  10. Scott Smith says:

    Grosses me out to think of all the people out there sharing their venereal diseases. Yuck.

  11. Philip McGee says:

    How many times did I hear… "I'm NOT your friend, I am your MOTHER!"

  12. Alex Young says:

    Don't listen to this. It's just a feminazi!

  13. pontram says:

    Meanwhile (this video is about 5 years old) the said Wikipedia article about rainbow parties is also referencing to this video and Cameron Russell. However, it hasn't changed its statement since – that rainbow parties are an urban legend. And since they aren't mentioned anywhere, there is a good chance that they never existed. And to be honest, from all the things adolescents do on parties, this is the most unbelievable. One really has to be naive to believe in that as a reality. What would be more believable, is it as fantasy of some boys. And I can really imagine how many girls – wherever in the world – would be eager to participate in such a party….that would then be a boys-only party if that main topic would have been communicated before.

  14. David says:

    Please tell me I’m not the only guy who’s 17 and hasn’t been annoyed because he didn’t get a bj for holding a door open or sharing a drink ?

  15. Monte L. Heitzman says:

    You exposed the fact that you do not know what you are talking about when you said that rainbow parties are real. It’s a myth.

    Also, I’m 52 years old. I’ve been shaving for 12-15 years due to summer time comfort. My 17 & 20 year kids do the same thing.

    Sorry, but being incorrect on these items totally discredits the rest of your talk.

  16. Bilbo Baggins says:

    She just made a lot of this sexist rubbish up

  17. dbzguru32 says:

    Is it impossible that there are some silver linings to people no longer being overly psyched out and timid over basic human impulses because of dying traditions?

  18. pranav athalye says:

    Cause the plural of anecdote is data, right?

  19. Anonymous says:

    Society is so pathetic

  20. freexky says:

    still don't get it, whats wrong about blowjobs?

  21. Aurian says:

    Stop with the violent gaming argument lmao. Decent talk overall.

  22. Tony Per says:

    Well if you are 20 then you are far too OLD, that why you don’t know about rainbow parties 🤣🤣🤣🤣

  23. Tony Per says:

    I say bring back Corporal punishment to schools and vile-small-brain social worker should be locked down and families should have more authority the way used to be to discipline their children as accordingly…

    I must say I’m entailed to my opinions🧐

  24. A.J says:

    A good response to the kid would've been "As I said, that's a private thing"

  25. franklin pickle says:

    In my case that is what mommy and daddy does

  26. BraveFox100 says:

    Great talk, and humorous!

  27. Ser Swag says:

    Rainbow parties.. 🤦🏼‍♂️
    she lost me and half her audience with that 1 idiotic statement..

  28. the gaming dude says:

    Is she from alabama?

  29. Claudia Vlahović says:

    0:41😂0:47

  30. Jason says:

    "you're stumbling in the dark"

  31. Charlie Amabile says:

    Like Jordan Peterson said, if kids aren't taught to respect adults, they won't respect adults when they are adults, which will get them into a lot more trouble.

  32. Daniel Gil says:

    Cringe level 10

  33. Mattches Mattches says:

    Don't shave down their kids it hurts after! 😬

  34. TheMormonSorceress says:

    I remember when my mother gave me the talk, and I was disgusted, but later as I got older accept that it's natural. She also told me afterwards that it is meant for your future husband only. And so I saved my self till I tied the knot with my sweet, odd, and funny friend. And let me tell you, It was worth it. It brought me closer to my sweetheart and I began to understand why it was only meant for marriage. So please, what till you find you're significant other

  35. TheKapias says:

    Great talk! Thank you!

  36. IBEXXX2001 says:

    Kids are not smarter than me when it comes to technology at all !

  37. Grace Ditchfield says:

    And we are surprised that there are so many personality disorders???
    And than if a parent lets say is a prude on the outside and inside whole another story its just a receipe for disaster

  38. nick strapko says:

    I think no cell phones for kids until 18. STYX was right. From Mr. Roboto " The problems plain to see , too much technology"

  39. Simple Filemaker says:

    this is untrue facts. I grow up in the culture she is talking about, I experienced or heard nothing like it.

  40. Smart Fart says:

    Bizarre comment section. Not sure why she deserves to get slammed so much. She was just discussing personal experience. Why that needs to be invalidated is very strange.

  41. Olive Seraphim says:

    This is called a moral panic

  42. THE GLORY says:

    I am really afraid of new generations.

  43. Kenneth Ketchum says:

    excellent explanation of why my younger brother (born 1965) went crazy after I graduated from high school during the bicentennial year. My brother had no respect for my parents and was no longer raised with the same military styled behavioral protocols that my Vietnam and Korean Veteran father used to raise me, one year younger brother and sister. I agree with the lack of respect children developed from absentee parents, but another person called it "proximal abandonment" – as seen in Zeitgeist 3 – Moving Forward.

    Although parents were at home during the crack epidemic, parents were emotionally (and spiritually) disconnected from their children due to the issues they faced: drug culture, Reaganomics, increasing inflation, downward spiral of public education, etc.

    Parents are uninvolved, detached and failing to connect and discipline, yes, I said it, discipline their children, not FRIENDS, the way a parent should lead their children on their journey through childhood.

  44. Trust in Dog says:

    As if. I'm not disagreeing with everything, but she's way off on some points.

  45. Paul Charles says:

    America is the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrhah, totally lost morally!
    No wonder Epstein wonders what all the fuss w as about!

  46. C T says:

    Uuhh I think you are a bit out of touch.

  47. TheVern18544 says:

    Big Government and Feminists like it this way.

  48. Saucy Wench says:

    Oh man! Grew up in the latch key in the late 80s from a single parent. It's all true right down to the Twinkies!

  49. Logan Cormier says:

    I'm almost certain all of the audience's laughter was awkward space-filler because everyone was so uncomfortable with the fact that this lady got 16 minutes on stage to expound her delusions.

  50. Mike S says:

    I wish I was married in the 6os

  51. Unfiltered Truth says:

    Unless you're actually currently in the hookup scene you'd have no clue how it currently works. The hook up scene mostly happens online because people aren't going to parties ,bars, night clubs and social gathering like they used to, most of the hook ups happen on dating sites, dating apps and social networks Facebook and Snapchat. I go to bars and night clubs and it's not as easy to hook up as it used to be even at the ones younger people go to from my observations. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I'm saying it's not happening like this person in this video makes it out to be.

  52. Martin Valentine says:

    Its the game that is the problem not the context of violence within the game.

  53. Deven Lee says:

    BS my mom worked in the 60’s and no rules on the hands …

  54. Kyle Smith says:

    So what you're saying is that feminism has social costs?

    You don't say…

  55. Ectoid says:

    Where were all the rainbow parties? Lol, I sure missed something in my teenage life, I wish someone had held these.

  56. Very Irritating says:

    I reckon she makes a loads of noise when she cums

  57. Andrew Shaw says:

    Wow. I stopped giving you any credibility the moment you said rainbow parties are real. You just believe anything kids tell you.

  58. guloguloguy says:

    NICE!!!!….. GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT!!!…..

  59. guloguloguy says:

    ….."BALLED", ….OR, "BALD?"!

  60. Air Glo says:

    She’s wrong about A LOT of what she says. 🥵

  61. John Stauffer says:

    Daycare is the origin of the decline of the USA!

  62. Jeremy D. says:

    Gotta love them rainbowparties

  63. Outside the box says:

    Long overdue and concise but she really didn't get into the process of talking to your kids. That was the whole point, right?

  64. Anthony Bardsley says:

    I was cained at school as were others. Once unjustly.. When I met with old school friends we laughed.,not one bitter comment towards any of the teachers.

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